My Autism Journey

I initially started writing this a couple hours ago. But I went into background about my birth, then about being bullied a large chunk of my life. And while many Autistic people were bullied or teased in school, and the bullying is a big part of our lives while in school, it really doesn’t speak directly about my Autism. Autism is the kind of thing that can’t be 100% nailed down pathologically or diagnostically. There are no genetic markers to look for. There are no chromosomal or DNA tests to do. The only person who can talk about how our brains work is us. A doctor can’t say “These test show specifically that you’re Autistic.” The tests that are out can just show how our behavior and thought processes match with other people who are Autistic. Many children are diagnosed when they’re little. There’s a skepticism out that says if you aren’t diagnosed when you’re a child, then you must not be autistic. There are many people, however, who for one reason or another are not diagnosed until later in life if at all. I fall into that category.

All my life growing up, I was sort of an “odd duck.” I knew my head worked differently than other kids my own age. I didn’t make many friends. I didn’t play the same way aas them or with the same things. I didn’t know to socialize with them. I usually just waited for them to invite me into their circles, which didn’t happen. I was a music fan from, essentially the time I was born. The way I like to word it is that I have a photographic memory, but with popular music. Instead of playing with kids at the playground, my early memories are grooving to “Me and Mrs. Jones” by Billy Paul when I was 2. And then there was dancing to “Tie a Yellow Ribbon” when I was 4. Music has always been such an ethereal and emotional (near spiritual) environment for me. While most people might have music on the background and maybe bounce their heads to it, it actually lives and breathes with me; it has personality. So the music became my friends.

Socializing just didn’t happen with me. I had my little universe at home. My mom and dad and I, and there was my sister Linda. With my parents an extra generation older than me (I was adopted by my grandparents, essentially), my sister was like a surrogate mother to me until she went into the Air Force. When she came home on leave, she would teach my mom the latest disco dances from back East. I remember her teaching my mom “the hustle” while playing Earth Wind and Fire. And then there was the Halloween when Linda took me Trick-or-Treating in South Tacoma. For hours that evening, we hit all the local business close to home. Then by the time we got home, I was tired and went to bed. When I woke in the morning, my candy was gone. I’ve been interrogating Linda occasionally since then, but she still has no idea what happened to that candy. Uh huh, sure.

I didn’t ever have many friends. I would have occasional friends, though. There was my friend Todd. He was 2 years younger than me and lived down the road a ways. I learned in school that since everyone teased me, even my friends would tease too. So I figured that that was something that everyone put up with. Maybe I received a little more of it than most, but I would have to put up with teasing from my friends or be even more alone. My friend Todd, once, when I was about 15 tried to shove what he said was a used condom in my mouth. I never stuck up for myself, but I did fight him off enough to keep it from going in my mouth. He told me later that it was just a finger bandage from his friend Lars. I don’t remember him doing anything as bad as that, though.

The Internet was a blessing. I had gained some interests over the years. I was somewhat interested in History, music and games. The Internet opened up a world to me to explore these things. And say what you will about the accuracy or reliability of Wikipedia, but my info thirst was satiated. To this day, I still consume whole swaths of Wikipedia about different subjects. I could also use the Internet to collect and listen to all the music I loved growing up, as well as introduce myself that I didn’t have exposure to in my tiny little podunk town.

I also found a new way to socialize. Around 2000, I started chatting online. I was a regular in the Yahoo “Chat Central” chatrooms and made many friends there. There are some friends that I still talk to today. I no longer had to be ashamed of my behaviors, or my socializing skills, or my looks or whatever. It was the first area I felt I could really be myself. Of course I knew that online relationships weren’t quite the same as in person relationships. But that kind of a reality was much more substantial than the near zero I felt I had gotten in “the real world.”